People who make their living researching what frightens people the most have made a pretty amazing discovery. Consistently when people list the top five things they are afraid of in life, they have are some pretty intimidating terrors. But you would think that death would rank number one on that list. But death doesn’t take number one, it has to settle for number two. Amazingly, the number one thing that terrifies most people is not death, it is public speaking. A popular comedian once said that this means that people would rather be the guy in the casket at a funeral than the guy giving the eulogy.
If you have ever been in a meeting listening to a speaker, you can usually tell if they are terrified. They will get up there and you will see that “deer in the headlights” look. You know that look. It is one of extreme fear, panic, and terror. So profound that the person is frozen in place unable to speak or move. And if you have ever been that guy or gal in front of a group giving the “deer in the headlights” look, you know the feeling of terror. That fear that happens in front of a group of people can be pretty awful.
Public Speaking Is Now Part of Your Job
So if you know that public speaking is going to be part of your job or something you have to regularly, you have to find a way to neutralize that fear. And be able to relax in front of a crowd when you speak. How often have you sat and listened to a speaker who was relaxed, funny, bright, and even able to field questions with no difficulty at all? It’s easy to admire that kind of public speaker and think that he or she has some magical powers that you will never get. But they don’t have magic. That speaker has just learned some techniques for neutralizing those fears. So he or she can appear relaxed and as though he or she is having fun up there. It’s not an inborn talent. It’s a skill that can be learned.
Of course, a lot of the ability to look out at a sea of faces who want to hear what you want to say and not feel sick comes from experience. But experience teaches you things that you can at least understand before you become an old pro at public speaking.
Fear of Public Speaking
One of those things is that the crowd out there doesn’t know what to expect. If you broke down why you feel terrified in front of people, it’s that you think that they think they know what they want and that you are being judged.
But to understand what people really expect when they are looking at you at the podium on stage, just remember the last time you heard someone speak. You had no predefined idea what was about to be said. And you probably had no outline or any frame of reference for what that speaker was going to say. That means that even if you don’t deliver your speech perfectly, they will never know that! As long as you don’t let on that you are nervous or not sure about your material, they won’t know if you got it wrong. If you forget an entire segment of your speech, as long as what you do say flows nicely and they never know you forgot it. The people listening will think your speech was just fine and will probably applaud.
Speak To The Individuals
Also, remember that you are not really speaking to a group. The group has no ears. You are speaking to several individuals. When you are listening to a speaker, you are one person listening to one person. That is how each person in that audience is receiving you, as individuals. So if you speak to them as though they are one person and not a crowd, your presentation will be warm and persona. It will be successful. And the crowd will like you to which helps a lot.
Just remember that their expectations of you are fairly low and for the most part. People coming to hear you speak want you to succeed. So smile at them, use a bit of humor and use that little insider tip to relax up there. And when you can relax, you can actually have fun at public speaking rather than wishing you were the guy in the casket instead.
To say that there is no ego in a person who does public speaking regularly or for a living would be clearly a false statement. But for those of us who only speak from time to time, when you see a speaker who can walk out in a room of 30 people or a auditorium of 3000 and literally “own the room”, it really is an amazing transformation. To imagine how you could ever be that much larger than life is mind boggling.
But in a lot of ways, when you step out to talk to a group of people, you do become larger than life. That is because you are doing the impossible. You are having a conversation with dozens of people all at once. Now, whether you feel like you are having that conversation or not isn’t important. If your talk is not interactive, you may not know the dialog is happening. But in the minds of every single individual in that hall, they are interacting with you. What you are saying is getting down inside of them and they are reacting to it. But even more than what you are saying, how you are saying it is having an even bigger impact.
Create a Persona
So are there things you can do to “become” larger than life? Well there are some ways of behaving in front of a crowd that differ from daily life. We do have to accept that you will develop a “stage persona” that is different from your daily personality when you speak to a group. Does that make you a phony? No. Both of those personalities are you. It is just a different you when you relate to a group than to people one on one and it seems strange because that form of you only comes out on stage. But it isn’t a Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde thing. Just as you speak to a child differently than you speak to an adult, you will develop a way to talking to a group that differs from speaking to an individual.
Own The Room
Part of becoming larger than life is learning to what they call “own the room”. This sound egotistic and strange but it really does work when you are about to speak. Owning the room simply means that when you step out in front of that crowd, they are no longer some random group of people, they are YOUR people. They are there to listen to you and what you say is of value to them. If you had any ego problems before you stepped out in front of that audience, check that ego problem at the door.
You must assume that you are adored when you speak to a group of people. This doesn’t mean you strut about like God’s gift to the world. But it does mean that you recognize that your value to this group is as a speaker and that your services are wanted and needed here. In fact, the only way you will be an effective public speaker is if you own the room. Treat that room like it was your home and these people came here just because being with you is just that great. If you step out there with that attitude, the audience will buy into your attitude and they will give you the room and be glad you took it over.
Recognise the craft
It can be a bit strange if you watch yourself become larger than life. But you can be humble about it and just recognize it is part of the craft of becoming a great public speaker. And if being good at this art you are gifted to give to the world means owning rooms and becoming bigger for an hour or so, well then why deny the world that experience? Enjoy it and let others enjoy it too.
Over 100 years ago, a guy called Hermann Ebbinghaus formulated the learning curve. The learning curve is the is how long your retain information or the relationship between memory and time. Simply put if you retain all the information on day one. Your memory is at 100 percent on day one, then you have a 50-80 percent loss on day two which continues until you have only 2-3 percent of that memory left at the end of thirty days.
Now, this is sped up with our shorter attention spans and increased overload of information. So 100 years later our learning sometimes is reduced to 140 characters!
So what can we do to improving learning outcomes and retaining critical information. This why experiential learning is the key to the overload of information.
What is Experiential Learning
Experiential learning is the process of learning by doing.
Kolb’s Experiential Learning Theory (Kolb, 1984) defines experiential learning as “the process whereby knowledge is created through the transformation of experience. Knowledge results from the combination of grasping and transforming experience.”
Kolb’s Experiential Learning Theory presents a cycle of four elements
Repetitive Learning or learning by rote has long been replaced by ‘Learning by Doing.’ Experiential Learning uses critical thinking, or problem solving and decision making. By learning this way it has been established it accelerates learning.
Accelerated learning our lessons in shorter sessions more suited to how we now learn.
2. Provides a Safe Learning Environment
Simulations are important. Simulations provide challenges, allow mistakes to happen during the course of learning. Creating a safe environment.
Make mistakes in a simulated environment and learn in an arena rather than in the workplace.
3. Bridges the Gap Between Theory and Practice
By moving beyond theory into “learning by doing,’. Our learning allows a first hand experience of how you react under pressure to put into practicing what has been taught. This piece in crucial in being able to retain concepts and ideas.
4. Produces Demonstrable Mindset Changes
There are very few learning methods that can have a dramatic impact on the participant’s mindset. Ours does, emotional intelligence workshops, is one of them. Management guru Henry Mintzberg pointed out long ago that, “Leadership, like swimming, cannot be learned by reading about it”.
5. Increases Engagement Levels
In the scenario of a Team Leadership Workshop there is a focus on collaboration and learning from each other and this learning environment it increases engagement. Given that in the arena, each person is immediately involved in the problem solving , the level of ownership of the outcome is high.
6. Delivers Exceptional Return on Investment (RoI)
Experiential learning is personal and effective in nature, influencing both feelings and emotions as well as enhancing knowledge and skills. It goes beyond classroom learning and ensures that there is high level of retention, thereby delivering exceptional RoI over a traditional learning program.
7. Provides Assessments
Assessing the effectiveness of the experience is a crucial element of any learning program. Most assessments are data driven and traditional tools use tests to measure effectiveness. When it comes to experiential learning programs, it is extremely difficult to gather data, which can be used for assessments. But others have said this it is still the best leadership training ever.
8. Enables Personalised Learning
Experiential learning is highly effective in meeting these requirements to enable personalised learning. Everyone gets to learn at their own pace.
Our leadership workshops are backed by research and experiential learning in practice, where personal reflections are put into practice. Get out of the classroom and into the arena for leadership learning.
As a leader you are in a position of power over others and…“with great power comes great responsibility”. You can choose to use it to build people up or use it to destroy them. As a leader bullying, toxicity in the workplace becomes your responsibilty. Leaders need to know what it is and how to manage it.
Anyone who has been a victim of workplace bullying or worked in a toxic workplace will know the damage that can be done. It can ruin your confidence, cause anxiety, or even worse lead to severe mental health problems. When you are at work for most of your waking moments this constant stress can lead to physical manifestations and a breakdown in other significant relationships in your life.
repeated hurtful remarks or attacks, or making fun of your work or you as a person (including your family, sex, sexuality, gender identity, race or culture, education or economic background)
sexual harassment, particularly stuff like unwelcome touching and sexually explicit comments and requests that make you uncomfortable
excluding you or stopping you from working with people or taking part in activities that relates to your work
playing mind games, ganging up on you, or other types of psychological harassment
intimidation (making you feel less important and undervalued)
giving you pointless tasks that have nothing to do with your job
giving you impossible jobs that can’t be done in the given time or with the resources provided
deliberately changing your work hours or schedule to make it difficult for you
deliberately holding back information you need for getting your work done properly
pushing, shoving, tripping, grabbing you in the workplace
attacking or threatening with equipment, knives, guns, clubs or any other type of object that can be turned into a weapon
initiation or hazing – where you are made to do humiliating or inappropriate things in order to be accepted as part of the team.
Given more than 2/3rds of us experience workplace bullying there is a high probability that you are a victim, witness, or perpetrator of workplace bullying. The effects of this can last a lifetime. It is an important and urgent issue. I was staggered by the numbers and the research.
There is a growing body of evidence showing that there is a significant correlation between bullying and low emotional intelligence. I believe that most leaders who lead through fear do this because they don’t know another way. Bullying and low emotional intelligence also correlate also with workplace performance.
Having been the victim of bullying, I personally understand the emotional and physical impact. It is this experience that continues to drive me to find another way to lead. I am a passionate believer that those in a position of leadership have a responsibility to manage and care for their team in a way that supports them. As a leader you have an obligation to show up, be present and do what you can so that they can grow into great leaders themselves.
Physical Symptoms
What ongoing stress can do to the body
If you are seeing any of these systems in your organisation or in yourself you may want to evalutate if you are in a toxic workplace. It is important that we understand it. What does it look and feel like and then make choices to either leave or change the culture.
I have witnessed a workplace so toxic that woman were vomiting in the bathroom everyday through fear. There were suicide ideation discussed and strategies from leaders on how to support suicidal staff but none of the conversation revolved around improving culture. The anxiety in amoungst the team was incredibly unhealthy and had been normalised.
The physical and emotional cost is not just “burn out”. It can be permanent. It is trauma.
Solutions to bullying and toxicity are clear
By increasing emotional intelligence you can transform a workplace. It works in all areas of the organisation. , improving wellbeing, performance, and motivation. Research is clear that emotional intelligence creates the difference between good leadership and great leadership. Everyone wins in a workplace that has a higher level of emotional intelligence. If you want to learn more about emotional intelligence and how to use it you can download my free emotional intelligence book.
A Time Marker is how we remember and mark the passing of time. This has shifted for so many of us in 2020. Was 2020 fast or slow? I really can’t say. I was reflecting with a group of leaders on 2020 and talking about Time Markers. When I got a lot of puzzled looks I thought I should explain myself.
What is a Time Marker?
A Time Marker is an event or something that happens to us, that makes it easy for us to remember that moment in time. Our rites and rituals are important Time Markers. If you remember moments in your childhood they are often around significant events. Do you remember the graduation ceremony from school? Do you remember a birthday party? Your first kiss? Your first concert? A wedding? These rites and rituals of how we celebrate and mark time create moments for us to reflect on the passing of time.
Why are Time Markers Important?
They are opportunities for us to come together, create connections and engage with each other. They offer opportunities for things to look forward to, provide hope and celebrations.
One of the important functions of our Time Markers is to be our reference point and understanding of time. It also creates opportunities for change, rites, and social phases like “schoolies”, “weddings”, “significant birthdays”, “funerals”, “honeymoons”, “retirement parties”, “first days at school/jobs”, “sporting events”, and “graduations” these rituals mark a point in time where we expect change and our structures determine that this is a different phase in our life. Those more significant Time Markersare our rights of passage. Those first moments, and final moments like schoolies which marks the passage from a schoolchild to adulthood. Those significant Time Markers don’t just mark time but create our sense of time.
How many times have you said, “I am looking forward to… (holiday, birthday, celebration)”? The things we count down days until. We build anticipation and excitement around time markers. We use them for our delayed gratification. Delayed gratification is essential for motivation both personally and professionally.
Delay of gratification, the act of resisting an impulse to take an immediately available reward in the hope of obtaining a more-valued reward in the future. The ability to delay gratification is essential to self-regulation, or self-control.
For me, 2020 has been plans, plans, and disappointments. I have attempted to plan so many things only for them to be continuously changed or canceled. I have paid for tickets to events, to be postponed and changed. Parties have been canceled. Family events canceled. Events of all sorts canceled. Even holidays canceled.
Without Time Markers
So what is the impact if we don’t have transitions or Time Markers to signify important moments in our life which allow for transitions? We feel a sense of flux and grief. There is a collective sensation of emotional disorientation.
Sense of Flux
They feel disconnected, unmoored, isolated, lost. Some can’t sleep; others sleep too much. Some obsess while others tune out. For some, anxiety spikes or depression deepens; others report feeling numb.
It is important to remember that all of these are reasonable and responses to a highly unusual situation.
When we can’t plan or plans are canceled we need to acknowledge even as leaders we are also experiencing these emotional responses.
Leadership and Time Markers
In the workplace, it means we have people who are experiencing anxiety and depression or feeling disconnected and searching because they don’t understand the loss they are feeling. There is a shared experience when we lose our Time Markers and a sense of feeling disorientated. We haven’t experienced this before and we don’t have the language to even talk about it.
What are our Leadership Lessons?
Talk about what it is and what you are feeling. As leaders, we need to acknowledge that 2020 has created new challenges and we need new tools and language to deal with the constant change and loss. A shared language to describe things allows a space to describe and talk about these issues. Compassion and empathy are key whilst everyone is going to handle their grief very differently.
However, if you can find space to share what and how you are feeling it creates a sense of team and ‘we are in this together’. It allows an understanding of what we are feeling and acknowledgment of those emotions.
I have managed my plans, plans, and disappointments by trying to use mindfulness and gratitude. When I have another Time Marker lost I simply ask myself a number of questions to think about the situation differently. It has been a game-changer.
“What is it that I can learn?”
“What space does it create, or what is the opportunity here?”
“What can I be grateful for at this moment?”
The simple act of reframing the situation has made me less frustrated and reactive to what is going on around me. It has also given me a sense of control.
If you can continue this practice, it also starts to harness innovation. Imagine if you can, what happens when you have a culture of looking for an opportunity in change, you begin to build a team culture of innovation and growth.
