Sitting with colleagues I have heard it so many times. It’s a common saying among CEOs “it’s lonely at the top.” But why? This really got me thinking. From the outside looking in a CEO has it made, the great car, house, amazing job, meeting incredible people, great salary and everyone looks up to them, and they are celebrated.
As it turns out that the vast majority of CEOs feel isolated and alone in their role. According to the Harvard Business Review, over half of CEOs express feelings of loneliness, 61% of which believe loneliness hinders their job performance. There are a few reasons for this. Firstly, as the CEO you are ultimately responsible for everything that happens. This is a lot of pressure, and it’s easy to feel like you’re the only one who can solve the problem or the only one who cares about the organisation and the livelihoods of those who work for you. The position at the top is a 24/7 job, there is no off. The number of times I tried to take a holiday only for a media issue or a confidential legal matter to arise. I could almost guarantee on the first or second day of my leave would be the dreaded phone call.
There is pressure to be on and to perform all the time and now there is a blurring with social media channels and your personal life is also your professional life. So you feel like you are constantly under pressure to perform at the highest level and maintain your position. And heaven forbid if you make a mistake, it’s often magnified because you’re in the spotlight. There is no room for error or to be human at the top.
I know that while you have worked incredibly hard to get where you are, so why is it then, it’s also likely that you feel incredibly lonely at the top. No one truly understands this unique position unless you have been at the top.
Why CEO Loneliness Matters
Loneliness costs Australia an estimated $2.7bn each year due to adverse health outcomes and has worsened throughout the Covid pandemic, according to a new report measuring social connectedness. Loneliness can make you physically sick. I am sure if you think hard enough you will know of a CEO whose job made them unwell. For some of them, it was simply loneliness. How many of them had a position at the top and then you saw their health decline or saw how the position aged them? There is a lot of evidence that loneliness is a significant health concern but also it affects our ability to make good decisions. Social isolation and loneliness affect mental health, behaviours, sleep patterns, physical health and our ability to deal with stress. So why are our boards and CEOs not talking about this topic? Why is not just part of the CEO’s salary to have the support that they need to do their job well? There is a feeling of shame about feeling lonely.
If we want thriving organisations, looking after and supporting CEOs to perform at their peak, should be a priority. In reality, we expect CEOs to be strong and resilient and we want them to be able to cope with significant amounts of pressure. It’s not fair or reasonable to expect those around the CEOs like our boards and management to be that support as they don’t really want to have a conversation about their vulnerabilities and that they are feeling lonely.
Yes CEOs Are Resilient
They got to the top because they are emotionally resilient and often able to play their cards close to their chest. CEOs can often handle stress better and for longer, meaning we have a tendency to bend under pressure rather than break. And then we bounce back. This is why people in senior leadership roles managed to be a CEO in the first place. However, the research is clear that they are feeling lonely and this has a significant impact on their health and their ability to perform at their peak. CEOs need a constant deep well of resilience and ongoing ability to cope. Issues that come to the CEO are often too complex or difficult for anyone else in the organisation to solve. So these decisions have consequences. Yes, CEOs have resilience but they are also human too.
The Perks
There are many perks to being the CEO as some of them are just simply heady. The salary, the title, the ability to make decisions and to be recognised for them, to really make a difference and to build something. You have access to information and to people. The position allows those around you to look up to you because of the important role you hold. There are many reasons that CEOs work as hard as they do for the recognition and the power that comes with the position. It is important to understand that there is another side to this and it comes with a price.
CEOs Need a Support System
If I have learned anything from COVID it is that social connections matter. Our relationships matter whether it’s family or friends they are all critical to our ability to cope and succeed.
As a CEO, it can be easy to think we’re supposed to be able to do everything ourselves, but the truth is, no one can. And the sooner we can tap into a broad support system, the sooner we reduce the sense of isolation and loneliness. Not one person needs to be everything to you in your support network for example your romantic partner shouldn’t be your only support. But you need people around you that can be trusted.
Suggestions
Your board of directors and the chairperson should provide you with opportunities to debrief and to understand what is keeping you awake at night
Your management team should also be a team to support you
Your romantic partner probably knows you better than anyone else
A close friend and or family know you outside of work
A coach, mentor or paid professional to support you personally
A mental health professional to help you deal with the stress
CEO Network or group
This is not an exhaustive list but you need a team around you to support you when you need it. I personally found having a CEO network, (2020 exchange) of like minded people incredibly valuable. We were in different industries but often faced similar issues. There was no judgement and ability to share and learn from each other.
It is important that you use different people in your support network for different things. My close friends and family are for my silly moments and letting loose, lets be honest not everyone needs to see that. What ever you use your support network for it is essential for your wellbeing, happiness and success. Being at the top comes with a lot of advantages but it also comes with some unique challenges.
Get connected and dont be afraid to admit your lonely at the top because you are not alone.
Recently I was at a leadership forum and casually asked a colleague, “Have you got any plans over Christmas? Are you going away?” and he simply said, “I am resting hard”.
Well my first response was to burst out laughing and then the more I thought about this statement the more I thought that this is genius!
We all work hard, we play hard, we wear this like a badge of honour. Our exhaustion is seen as a status symbol. When you ask someone how are you, how often do you hear the response “busy”.
What COVID has brought home to me is burnout is real and so many people I know have got major health issues from not resting. It is simply not a great culture where we take pride in our hustle and collective fatigue. It’s not ok, and we shouldn’t keep on soldiering on through our exhaustion.
Resting
“Resting” is a simple concept that can take some time to master. It’s the art of disconnecting from your work, friends, and whatever else so you can relax and rejuvenate. If you don’t rest, you’ll burn out.
We see resting as a soft option and feel guilty for resting because we have been told if we are not busy, we are failing. But the opposite is so true. Resting more will actually give you more energy and make you feel better and perform better.
Sleep is the best performance-enhancing drug ever!! I have experienced extreme ends of the rest continuum. Ask any new mum with an unsettled child what lack of sleep does to you. Any parent who is sleep-deprived will tell you emphatically how much better he/she feels with a decent nights sleep.
But it isn’t just sleep that is important for rest. You need to create habits that allow you to switch off. The first step to resting more is getting into a habit of resting every day. This will prevent you from being overworked and burnt out. The second step to rest is using exercises like yoga and meditation to help you relax and reset your mind. They are beneficial to both physical and mental health, but also help us enjoy life more.
Resting and recharging your batteries is about ensuring you take time to do the things that give you energy and fill you up. Everyone has a place, hobby or exercise which gives them joy. Mindfulness comes to people in so many different ways. It could be as simple as a walk around the block with the dog.
Leaders Need Rest Too
Even the most hard-charging business leaders need time to recharge their batteries. We all know that leading a company requires long hours and tons of energy, but it takes much more than that to stay sharp and motivated.
Just as a machine needs maintenance, so does the human body. Our bodies require rest and relaxation in order to function at the highest level. Some people take a lot of time off, while others prefer to get away from their daily grind by getting outdoors and exercising with friends. Some people prefer to take an hour to reflect on their goals with a quiet walk around the block. Or maybe it is scheduling your regular yoga session.
Without rest, you cannot find the creativity and mental function required to solve complex problems. You will find you have more capacity to help and support everyone around you if you help yourself first.
Rest Guilt-Free
Today, most people feel guilty when they take time off. It’s as if the world is going to stop spinning and explode if they aren’t working. They have an underlying belief that time spent away from work is wasted time, which only causes more stress. But what if I told you that taking a break actually makes you more productive? That’s right! When you take time off, your mind is more relaxed and ready for work. And there’s more good news! Taking regular breaks will eventually make you more productive and allow you to get more done in less time
Work at Resting
Imagine if we put as much time and effort into learning how to rest as we did learning a new skill. Resting Hard is a concept that requires effort, it requires conscious time, put it in the diary. Prioritise it. Your body and mind will thank you. Your family will thank you. But also your staff will thank you for bringing your best version to work. We are not built to squeeze more into our days. Even God had to take a day off. So if it is good enough for him then I might just work on doing it too.
So for now I am going to work on simply “resting hard”.
Here are the top 5 ways to boost your emotional intelligence in order to find success. If you want to succeed in both your professional and personal life, there are a broad range of skills that can help. However, the emerging research is emotional intelligence is the most important skill you need to develop. Your vision and fresh and creative ideas are critical aspects of success. Leadership requires a number of human skills as well as technical skills for success.
Great leaders make themselves and their personal improvement a lifelong project. They actively seek out learning. They also seek out people who will tell them the truth about how they come across to others. In addition, tell them areas where they can make improvements. They look for organizations that will accommodate them or spend money on a coach who will provide them with honest feedback. Great leaders recognize that they are a work in progress and are always looking for ways to improve.
Develop Your Listening Skills
Good leaders are always aware of how essential listening skills are for success. They recognize that everyone has the desire to be heard. Not only do you receive more crucial information when you develop your listening skills, but you are better able to connect with others by picking up meanings and messages through nonverbal cues.
Show a Genuine Interest in Others
Not only do emotionally intelligent people learn the names of everyone that works at their company, but they also make it a point to find out as much about others as possible. They strive to find out what matters to them, whether it is their family, special interests, or hobbies. Showing a personal interest in those around you show others that they are valued as people, rather than just cogs in the machine.
Develop Your Ability to Manage Emotions
Developing your ability to manage not only yours but others’ emotions is an important skill to have. Leaders that possess high emotional intelligence can process information and respond only after they’ve thought about the situation. Emotionally intelligent people can pick up the underlying feelings behind the words spoken.
Develop a Strong Sense of Appreciation
Great leaders, with high emotional intelligence, are always appreciative and aware that they have others to thank for them to where they are. One way you can develop more gratitude is to keep a gratitude journal and write down three things you are grateful for every day. It helps to maintain a positive attitude and their motivation high throughout the day.
High emotional intelligence is an essential aspect of success. Incorporate these five tips into your life and you can help boost your emotional intelligence.
Leadership is not a title you can assign to someone. It’s a set of skills that you develop over time and use in different situations. A lot of people think that leadership is about making others do what they want, but it’s not. Leadership is actually about making others feel like doing what you want them to do – by showing them why it’s important.
Leadership is the quality of influencing, inspiring or motivating people to achieve a shared goal. This definition seems simple enough, but what does it really mean to be a good leader?
Leaders inspire others to follow and provide an environment to be their best. Sounds simple but it is one of the hardest things to accomplish. A strong leader will also have the ability to execute strategy while motivating employees at all levels of an organisation or group. Leadership is not an easy job, so being able to develop trust with your team will prove invaluable on your journey towards building a successful team.
What Makes a Good Leader?
Some people are born leaders, but not all of us. Leadership is a learned skill, and the ability to become a leader depends on your attitude and actions. It also depends on your choices – yes, you have choices as a leader.
If you’re willing to learn what makes a good leader, consider these 8 tips:
Focus on yourself first. As a new leader or manager of others, it’s easy to rush into building rapport with those that report to you. A common trap is to try to be a people pleaser. I have seen this happen so many times where leaders try to be friends with their team and colleagues.
Improve your emotional intelligence and be aware of your strengths and weakness. You need to understand the space you are good in and when you need support from others. This is critical when you looked to for supporting and communicating with others
Be prepared to have someone you trust to debrief and confide with as you learn and grow (a coach or mentor)
When leading teams you need to find out what is important to them. You need to have empathy and care about what are their goals and ambitions are.
The most effective leaders are those who inspire others to go above and beyond their own expectations.
A good leader must be willing to lead from the front, not from behind.
He or she must know how to adapt as situations change, and make decisions with conviction in order to ensure success for everyone involved.
Be prepared to make mistakes… So many mistakes, but simply learn from them.
Leadership Learning From a Horse?
I’ve learned some valuable leadership lessons from training horses. I believe I have learnt more about being a leader and about myself from my horses than anyone else. This is a hard concept to believe but it is true. Having a horse that is so highly attuned to your emotions is quite a confronting experience. You see I was a highly anxious person, so many things would make me angry, nervous or just want to run away and hide. It is not a great way to live and the consequences for it are your health and damaging important relationships. Also, it doesnt make for a great leader!
Controlling Your Emotions
Having a horse that is a nervous anxious horse is not a fun experience and so I needed to learn how to be calm-assertive. This has taken years of hard work on myself, many mistakes but trying to seek out the answer. What I discovered also makes you a better leader. The calm assertive leader is what a horse needs but it is also what your team needs.
I have learned to lean into fear rather than run away. Not knowing how to manage or deal with a horse is scary and intimidating, however when you understand that they are seeking a calm assertive leader and they will follow. They need you to be brave and decisive when they are in fear. So too do your team. This is essential when you are in a leadership role and you will always have an element of fear when you need to make decisions that have no clear answer.
Horses have taught me to experiment and play. Because they always give you honest and immediate feedback it’s easy to find where you are at your best. If you are too stern they say no, if you are too soft they say no, if you are not your being authentic they say no. I horse will find comfort when you lead in your own way. This has helped me understand how to interact with different team members differently too.
Learning As a Leader
Learning to embrace learning, and embrace the learning experience. I love learning new things and constantly seeking answers or a new way to approach a problem. There is a place of being curious and open is where the magic happens. You need to find comfort in the awkward learning as will never have all the answers but if you are open to learning you can always find a way to stretch yourself and your team. Trying to keep growing to allow your team the space to improve and grow as well. Horses have made me incredibly curious as the more you understand, the more you want to know. They have opened doors to understand people.
People and Teams Are Different
You have to adjust how you manage people differently. Different people are motivated by different things and the way you manage one person may not get the best out of someone else. Being directive with tasks and steps for one person gets them motivated as they love a list and love a step by step guide. They need to know they are doing a good job because the instructions were clear and they want to follow them to the letter. Trying to manage a creative like that will get the worst out of them. Giving them exact lists and step by step instructions doesn’t allow for any creativity in how to do get a job done. They want to understand the job and then let them go away and get the job done. Well, I had my aha moment managing horses. I have a horse who needs very clear instructions and he will do as he is told, however, I also have a highly emotional mare who needs you to feel an emotional connection before you ask for anything. I am sure we have all had team members like this. One is all business and leaves their personal issues at the door, the other needs to know about your family and the weekend before you can talk about work.
Self Awareness
As a leader you can “fake it till you make it” but with a horse, you cannot lie. I have found a way to be more authentic with all my flaws and get more comfortable with who I am. This space is so much better to lead from.
You Can Be a Great Leader Too
If you don’t have access to a horse and a great trainer to learn how to lead. Focus on being your best version of yourself, and being honest with yourself. The other thing that I would say is to embrace the fear and love the learning.
I recently had the joy of listening to Shane Fitzsimmons Commissioner of Resilience NSW give a talk recently. And I have a small confession I am a fan! During his talk, he had a brilliant analogy for leadership and for your teams which I thought was incredibly relatable. Flat tyres are like leadership.
Your underperforming staff are like a flat tyre and sometimes your flat tyre just needs to be pumped up. It’s lost some pressure but nothing is fundamentally wrong with the tyre it just needs some air. Or your tyre has a puncture, but it is fixable it needs a patch and to be pumped up and can be refitted back on. But sometimes your tyre has blown out and simply just needs to be replaced.
When he explained this a bit further the flat tyre also can have different consequences. A flat tyre if you are on a unicycle, is different to a flat tyre on the front wheel of a fully laden passenger bus.
What does this mean for your leadership you need to respond to your underperforming staff like flat tyres. Sometimes you need to decide if they simply need a pump up or are they a complete blowout on a fully laden school bus. You as the leader need to respond to your underperforming team the same way as a flat tyre. Who needs a pump and who needs to be replaced because they are dangerous. I was thinking about the stressors of COVID and teams. I know there are a lot of leaders at the moment who are pumping up tyres. I am wondering how many leaders in workplaces are trying to pump up tyres that just need to be replaced. During this time when teams are remote, it is like having a faulty pressure gauge. it is harder to get clarity and focus on which of your tyres are flat.
Shane is a cool calm leader who was brilliant during the black summer bush fires of 2019-2020. I tuned in on a daily basis to listen to his updates as it was something that affected me and my family. We had a fire front near our house for months.
He was plain speaking, direct about when we needed to be concerned, gave the facts. But he also cared. I think that many of our modern leaders could learn how to manage a crisis from Shane Fitzsimmons. His authenticity and empathy were genuine and this was his part of his advice, show up, show you care and be authentic.
His talk on community engagement and leadership just made me admire the man even more.
