I am so incredibly grateful that I found out how my ponies can change lives, its in these life changing moments that I see how easy it can be. I have had the opportunity to work with senior leaders, women and vulnerable young people. Regardless of their story, simply, how life changing this can be. I have had such powerful conversations that I just don’t know where or how else you can do that. After meeting someone for 5 mins you can then have life changing conversations. One such moment was talking with a young man with autism and behavioral issues, he decided rather than being violent when you are frustrated try talking calmly. My horse showed him the way. It was an aha moment for him. Which then led to another conversation about how to have respect for his family and belongings.
An incredibly shy young woman about how to engage with people and make new friends. A senior leader learning how to breath and stay calm under highly stressful situations. A young woman learning how to hold herself to be confident and assertive without dominance in difficult situations.
I realise that these are just small moments in a life time but they are profound. It just melts my heart.
It doesn’t matter your story or where you are this works.
Emotional intelligence workshops with horses. Sounds like a crazy idea for leadership but it works. Now that emotional intelligence is an essential skill in leadership and the most sought after skill. It is something we all need to learn and master to become effective leaders.
What is emotional intelligence?
Emotional intelligence is simply put the ability to control your emotions and others in the present moment. It sounds simple but has a number of key factors. According to Daniel Goleman,
Self-awareness.
Self-regulation.
Motivation.
Empathy.
Social skills.
Why is it important?
Developing emotional intelligence is the one factor that will make you successful in almost every area of your life. At a professional level is the one factor that sets high performing leaders above others. At a personal level, it means your relationships around you will feel more connected. Allows for improved communication skills and increases your resilience. It turns out it is one of the most important life skills and increases your chances of success in every area of your life.
Can it be learnt?
Emotional intelligence is something you can learn. However, I believe it is something you need to experience it to understand it. Staying curious and responding appropriately to what is happening around you. Emotional intelligence is a skill that is challenging to learn from a book. Yes, you can get an understanding of the theory but until you practice it in real life you don’t know how to use it. It is a bit like trying to be a bodybuilder from a textbook. You can learn the theory but unless you lift the weights and practice you can’t develop those muscles.
Why does it matter to leadership?
Leaders without emotional intelligence can be very costly to any organisation.
All of us at some points in our career have worked for a manager we didn’t like and/or didn’t like us. We may have felt that they were unreasonable, not fair or at the extreme end they were a bully. These are all feelings of no connection or low emotional intelligence.
Leaders and managers with high emotional intelligence generally will have staff that want to come to work. They will have staff that will often feel heard and respected. A team that is motivated with less technical abilities will always outperform a highly skilled team going through the motions. So if this is the case why is emotional intelligence not taught?
We have all read the leadership textbooks talking through different models of leadership. As a leader, your leadership style should move change and respond to what is happening around you. If you only have one style you are still in the manager phase and each skill takes time to learn and develop.
There are many documented styles of leadership;
Autocratic – commander style
Bureaucratic – administrator style
Charismatic – the charmer
Democratic – the motivator
Laissez-Faire – the delegator
Servant –the steward
Transactional – the standardiser
Transformational – the inspirer
A leader who has developed their emotional intelligence will be able to transition through many different types of leadership style. They move and flex with the situation and may actually manage each person in their team with a different technique.
I accidentally found out through training horses that I was strengthening and developing my emotional intelligence in all aspects of my life. I found that incredible horse trainers who were rehabilitating troubled horses all had high levels of emotional intelligence. It was their empathy, self-regulation, and incredible awareness level. It almost felt like a heightened sense. This started my curiosity and openness to explore why it felt better. I felt like I was being genuine with relationships and with my leadership. It was a light bulb moment and realised I can also help others to understand and engage with it.
You don’t need to be a horse person to gain something from the workshops. It is made for people who have little to no experience with horses, and even those who have lots of experience will also gain some personal insights.
If sounds like something you might want to try then get in touch
The lessons learned from Finnegan weren’t about horses it was about me.
Anyone who has ridden an anxious horse will tell you “its like sitting on a time bomb waiting for it to go off”
I wonder how many of you can relate to this story and all my problems.
I got back into horse riding after having many years off, and my enthusiasm wasn’t going to be dampened by my reality. I knew I desperately wanted a horse and the one I could afford at the time was a green-off-the-track racehorse with a number of issues. As we all know, for a green rider, is exactly the type of horse you shouldn’t have. He didn’t load onto a horse float, he bucked almost every time you asked for a canter, he was anxious about everything, and I simply couldn’t keep weight on him.
So I am sure you wouldn’t be surprised when I told you I came off this horse multiple times. I experienced a number of broken bones, concussions and damaged discs in my neck. It is hard to remember the number of hospital visits and injuries sustained with this new found love of mine. He was just like a ticking time bomb just waiting for the explosion.
Lessons That Everyone Wanted to Impart
Everyone had advice; all I needed was a different saddle, it was the saddle that needed to be fitted correctly, it’s definitely the bridle causing the problem. When that didn’t work it was; his teeth needed to be done, you obviously just need to lunge him more, tire him out, he needs a chiropractor he is definitely sore. Then it was; his feed is making him anxious, he has ulcers you need the vet. I listened to all of them and tried all of them, each with their own expenses. Now the bills are adding up, and I still don’t have a horse that I can do much with.
Maybe I just needed to spend more and buy a new horse because obviously all of these problems were because my horse just wasn’t right.
The Dream Horse Finnegan
So I bought a bigger better horse, Finnegan. I was so sure that this was the answer because it was love at first sight. I just had to have this horse. He also loaded on the horse float and could be ridden out in public. I thought I bought the dream.
That was until I had one of the worst falls of my life. I broke my pelvis, had severe concussion, a dislocated shoulder, and was in the hospital and unable to walk for weeks.
So now my confidence and self-belief is at an all-time low. Do I sell him too? I tried but just couldn’t part with him.
Incredible Horseman
It was at this time I met an incredible horseman who said to me, I am not taking on any more horses to retrain them. He was meeting horses with human problems. Not people with problem horses. So unless people came with their horses to work on the whole issue he wasn’t going to do it. Which is how I started working on me and my horses.
I needed to solve my own issues. It wasn’t just a horse problem it was also a people problem.
Lessons Learned from Finnegan
So now my experiences are very different and I see things differently. My horses allow me an opportunity for self-development every time I am with them. I am always trying to find new ways to give my horses a stable state of mind and a willingness to learn as there is always something new to explore. Every time I am with my horses I am practicing so many things. Am I present and aware of how I am feeling right now? What is my horse telling me about how I am feeling? When you listen they will tell you.
Finnegan would hold his head on my chest until I started breathing. It took me so long to understand what was happening. My routine was to rush down to the stables after work. If I got home quick enough I could fit a ride in before dark. So I would grab my horse, quickly saddle him and rush into the arena all the time racing before it got dark. Then one day he started putting his head on my chest whilst I was trying to saddle him. I would pat and then quickly rush to get the rest done and he would get more persistent. Until I stopped and smiled and really noticed him and patted. What I started to realise was that the act of patting him and noticing him made me think about him and not the task at hand. So I would breathe and my energy levels dropped. He was a genius. He figured out if he could get me to stop and relax before I rode, I was happier and so was he. Because I was in a different state of mind, I would be more patient and enjoyed my ride. It wasn’t just another thing to fit into my busy day. The epiphany came, when reflecting on my behaviours in an executive coaching session. I became aware of what was actually happening.
So I started being aware of how I was feeling when saddling him up. Every time, if I was rushing and anxious, he would put his head on my chest until I relaxed. It was a habit. As soon as I relaxed he would let me get on with what I was doing. Once I figured out his queue for me our relationship shifted. I started being more aware of the smaller things he was telling me. This is how it started. Finnegan became my teacher and wow what an incredible teacher he was. So many life changing lessons learned from Finnegan but the biggest one is horses can teach.
Has anyone told you not to do something or not to behave a certain way and that is the one thing you are focusing on? Dieting is a great example for me. Don’t eat sugar its bad for you. So I am thinking all day about a packet of lollies and how I am not allowed to eat it. Guess what the first thing is I grab for when I am tired. Or currently, because we are not allowed to travel, so I am thinking about all the amazing destinations and things I am missing out on. I call it my FOMO (my fear of missing out). COVID is certainly testing my FOMO.
I had my Aha! moment teaching someone to ride on the weekend and they were focusing on “the don’t”. So when I asked “what are you thinking about?” and they responded, “I am thinking about not using my spurs”. They could do that for about 6 or 7 strides and then they would be doing the precise thing that they were trying not to do. “So, try replacing your don’t with a do. Let’s try thinking about using our calf and upper thigh”. It worked.
My inspiration came from listening to two podcasts only days apart about this exact thing from two different horsemen telling the exact same story just from their own point of view. Warwick Schiller’s Performance Horsemanship and Double Dan Horsemanship told the story of the blue tree. Don’t think about the Blue Tree – anyway the only thing you think about is the blue tree. Highly recommend both of their podcasts, great storytellers.
Do…
When you fill your mind with what you want and the stronger you can make the visual the easier it is to do. Try a vision and fill in the feelings, sights, sounds, and smells. The clearer the image the easier it is to create that end result. That is why sports psychologists talk about the visuals and a clear focus. Visualise the ball going through the hoop no net. If it works for elite athletes why can’t it work for you or me?
Our brains are wired to do only one thing at a time and when we create a mental picture they are brilliant at filling in the blanks and making it happen.
So I am going to practice focusing on what I want. I am going to try and replace my don’ts with my do’s.
