Your Beliefs Shape Your Life So You Better Choose Them Wisely.
A lot of people think that their beliefs are like clothes. They really don’t have much choice in the matter. They just walk up to their closet, pick out what’s there, wear it, and move on to the next set of clothes the next day.
If that is you, your attitude towards your beliefs could be limiting your life. It would come as no surprise that you are not living your life to your fullest potential. Whether this means enjoying the best job, making the most money in your field, enjoying the best relationships, or looking physically fit, beliefs play a major role in your life. No matter how clueless you are about its role, beliefs will continue to remain important in your life.
Where Do Beliefs Draw Their Power?
Beliefs are like glasses. Depending on the grade of your glasses, the world may look crystal clear or it may look very fuzzy and you might even have a nasty headache when using glasses that have the wrong grade.
Beliefs work the same way. When you perceive reality, and I’m talking about the things that you can see, hear, touch, taste, and smell, they have to be filtered by something in your head. This is called your belief system. It’s your lens, through which you look at the world. So many things can change your lens, your past, trauma, culture all influence your beliefs.
When you filter this information, you give it meaning. You give it color. You give it a certain slant or angle. What do you think happens next? Your analysis of the things that you choose to perceive impacts the things you say, the things you do, and the things you feel about yourself and the rest of the world.
In other words, this is important stuff but the problem is a lot of people think that since they think a certain way that this is reality. They confuse objective reality, which everyone could agree with, with their own subjective take on the things that they perceive.
Also, other people excuse their own warped way of perceiving reality by saying that that’s just who they are or it’s part of their personality. How dare people question them!
Beliefs are chosen. Just as you can choose your clothes, you can choose your beliefs. I’m not saying that it’s easy. After all, beliefs do become habitual after a while. You don’t hang onto a belief system because it is just flat-out wrong and harms you. There’s something about the belief system that you have chosen that gives you enough benefits for it to be worth hanging onto.
Limiting Beliefs
It’s like wearing really raggedy shoes. You probably have really old shoes in your home. They look nasty and they could even smell like a rat died in them but, for whatever reason, you like wearing those shoes because they’re comfortable. You know that they don’t look the best; they don’t perform all that well but you prefer their comfort. They do well enough and serve you well enough so you keep them around and you use them day to day.
The same applies to your beliefs. There are many belief systems that have simply outlived their purpose or usefulness. It’s important for us to take a long, hard look at our beliefs and ask ourselves some hard questions. Otherwise, we will be living far below our potential. We would continue to look at reality with tools that really don’t serve us. That’s a tragedy.
When you become aware of your beliefs and are conscious of your lens you are looking at the world through you have a chance to change them. Emotional Intelligence could be a way to change your limiting beliefs that shape your life.
As a leader you are in a position of power over others and…“with great power comes great responsibility”. You can choose to use it to build people up or use it to destroy them. As a leader bullying, toxicity in the workplace becomes your responsibilty. Leaders need to know what it is and how to manage it.
Anyone who has been a victim of workplace bullying or worked in a toxic workplace will know the damage that can be done. It can ruin your confidence, cause anxiety, or even worse lead to severe mental health problems. When you are at work for most of your waking moments this constant stress can lead to physical manifestations and a breakdown in other significant relationships in your life.
repeated hurtful remarks or attacks, or making fun of your work or you as a person (including your family, sex, sexuality, gender identity, race or culture, education or economic background)
sexual harassment, particularly stuff like unwelcome touching and sexually explicit comments and requests that make you uncomfortable
excluding you or stopping you from working with people or taking part in activities that relates to your work
playing mind games, ganging up on you, or other types of psychological harassment
intimidation (making you feel less important and undervalued)
giving you pointless tasks that have nothing to do with your job
giving you impossible jobs that can’t be done in the given time or with the resources provided
deliberately changing your work hours or schedule to make it difficult for you
deliberately holding back information you need for getting your work done properly
pushing, shoving, tripping, grabbing you in the workplace
attacking or threatening with equipment, knives, guns, clubs or any other type of object that can be turned into a weapon
initiation or hazing – where you are made to do humiliating or inappropriate things in order to be accepted as part of the team.
Given more than 2/3rds of us experience workplace bullying there is a high probability that you are a victim, witness, or perpetrator of workplace bullying. The effects of this can last a lifetime. It is an important and urgent issue. I was staggered by the numbers and the research.
There is a growing body of evidence showing that there is a significant correlation between bullying and low emotional intelligence. I believe that most leaders who lead through fear do this because they don’t know another way. Bullying and low emotional intelligence also correlate also with workplace performance.
Having been the victim of bullying, I personally understand the emotional and physical impact. It is this experience that continues to drive me to find another way to lead. I am a passionate believer that those in a position of leadership have a responsibility to manage and care for their team in a way that supports them. As a leader you have an obligation to show up, be present and do what you can so that they can grow into great leaders themselves.
Physical Symptoms
What ongoing stress can do to the body
If you are seeing any of these systems in your organisation or in yourself you may want to evalutate if you are in a toxic workplace. It is important that we understand it. What does it look and feel like and then make choices to either leave or change the culture.
I have witnessed a workplace so toxic that woman were vomiting in the bathroom everyday through fear. There were suicide ideation discussed and strategies from leaders on how to support suicidal staff but none of the conversation revolved around improving culture. The anxiety in amoungst the team was incredibly unhealthy and had been normalised.
The physical and emotional cost is not just “burn out”. It can be permanent. It is trauma.
Solutions to bullying and toxicity are clear
By increasing emotional intelligence you can transform a workplace. It works in all areas of the organisation. , improving wellbeing, performance, and motivation. Research is clear that emotional intelligence creates the difference between good leadership and great leadership. Everyone wins in a workplace that has a higher level of emotional intelligence. If you want to learn more about emotional intelligence and how to use it you can download my free emotional intelligence book.
A Time Marker is how we remember and mark the passing of time. This has shifted for so many of us in 2020. Was 2020 fast or slow? I really can’t say. I was reflecting with a group of leaders on 2020 and talking about Time Markers. When I got a lot of puzzled looks I thought I should explain myself.
What is a Time Marker?
A Time Marker is an event or something that happens to us, that makes it easy for us to remember that moment in time. Our rites and rituals are important Time Markers. If you remember moments in your childhood they are often around significant events. Do you remember the graduation ceremony from school? Do you remember a birthday party? Your first kiss? Your first concert? A wedding? These rites and rituals of how we celebrate and mark time create moments for us to reflect on the passing of time.
Why are Time Markers Important?
They are opportunities for us to come together, create connections and engage with each other. They offer opportunities for things to look forward to, provide hope and celebrations.
One of the important functions of our Time Markers is to be our reference point and understanding of time. It also creates opportunities for change, rites, and social phases like “schoolies”, “weddings”, “significant birthdays”, “funerals”, “honeymoons”, “retirement parties”, “first days at school/jobs”, “sporting events”, and “graduations” these rituals mark a point in time where we expect change and our structures determine that this is a different phase in our life. Those more significant Time Markersare our rights of passage. Those first moments, and final moments like schoolies which marks the passage from a schoolchild to adulthood. Those significant Time Markers don’t just mark time but create our sense of time.
How many times have you said, “I am looking forward to… (holiday, birthday, celebration)”? The things we count down days until. We build anticipation and excitement around time markers. We use them for our delayed gratification. Delayed gratification is essential for motivation both personally and professionally.
Delay of gratification, the act of resisting an impulse to take an immediately available reward in the hope of obtaining a more-valued reward in the future. The ability to delay gratification is essential to self-regulation, or self-control.
For me, 2020 has been plans, plans, and disappointments. I have attempted to plan so many things only for them to be continuously changed or canceled. I have paid for tickets to events, to be postponed and changed. Parties have been canceled. Family events canceled. Events of all sorts canceled. Even holidays canceled.
Without Time Markers
So what is the impact if we don’t have transitions or Time Markers to signify important moments in our life which allow for transitions? We feel a sense of flux and grief. There is a collective sensation of emotional disorientation.
Sense of Flux
They feel disconnected, unmoored, isolated, lost. Some can’t sleep; others sleep too much. Some obsess while others tune out. For some, anxiety spikes or depression deepens; others report feeling numb.
It is important to remember that all of these are reasonable and responses to a highly unusual situation.
When we can’t plan or plans are canceled we need to acknowledge even as leaders we are also experiencing these emotional responses.
Leadership and Time Markers
In the workplace, it means we have people who are experiencing anxiety and depression or feeling disconnected and searching because they don’t understand the loss they are feeling. There is a shared experience when we lose our Time Markers and a sense of feeling disorientated. We haven’t experienced this before and we don’t have the language to even talk about it.
What are our Leadership Lessons?
Talk about what it is and what you are feeling. As leaders, we need to acknowledge that 2020 has created new challenges and we need new tools and language to deal with the constant change and loss. A shared language to describe things allows a space to describe and talk about these issues. Compassion and empathy are key whilst everyone is going to handle their grief very differently.
However, if you can find space to share what and how you are feeling it creates a sense of team and ‘we are in this together’. It allows an understanding of what we are feeling and acknowledgment of those emotions.
I have managed my plans, plans, and disappointments by trying to use mindfulness and gratitude. When I have another Time Marker lost I simply ask myself a number of questions to think about the situation differently. It has been a game-changer.
“What is it that I can learn?”
“What space does it create, or what is the opportunity here?”
“What can I be grateful for at this moment?”
The simple act of reframing the situation has made me less frustrated and reactive to what is going on around me. It has also given me a sense of control.
If you can continue this practice, it also starts to harness innovation. Imagine if you can, what happens when you have a culture of looking for an opportunity in change, you begin to build a team culture of innovation and growth.
There are so many leadership lessons in the Wizard of Oz. I thought I would share some. Recently I went to an end of the year competition with my riding club and one of the events is the fancy dress competition. I went with a Wizard of Oz theme. It is usually heavily contested and this year I went dressed as Dorothy and my horse was the Cowardly Lion. Which is why I began thinking about the deep morals and life lessons in the story.
Vision
Every good leader needs a vision and a plan. Simply put: a strategy. The Yellow Brick Road is an easy to follow strategy so regardless of who your team is they can step on the path with you and know where you are going.
“It’s always best to start at the beginning. And all you do is follow the Yellow Brick Road.”
– Glinda the Good Witch of Oz
Courage
Courage requires those in a leadership role to step up when it seems too hard for others. As leaders, most things that make it to your desk are too complex for others or have no clear answer. Making brave decisions requires courage. Courage is also required when you are the one that needs to bring conviction and enthusiasm when you are having a bad day.
“Courage! What makes a king out of a slave? Courage! What have they got that I ain’t got? ” – Cowardly Lion
Courage doesn’t mean being frightened. Courage is about being scared and showing up anyway.
Dorothy: Weren’t you frightened?
Wizard of Oz: Frightened? Child, you’re talking to a man who’s laughed in the face of death, sneered at doom, and chuckled at catastrophe… I was petrified.
Relationships Matter
When we are managing staff or trying to influence others, they will not seek out your advice because of how much you know, but, because of how much you care. Show people you are genuinely interested in them and their success and they will show respect. Relationships with those around you matter.
“A heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others.” – The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
Experience
Experience counts. Wisdom often comes from our greatest mistakes not from our greatest successes. So don’t discount those around you who have failed. They are often the greatest teachers. Wisdom and experience can be your own, but in leadership, hire people smarter than you and be brave enough to say “I don’t know”.
“A baby has brains, but it doesn’t know much. Experience is the only thing that brings knowledge, and the longer you are on earth the more experience you are sure to get.” – The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
Uncertainty and Change
The tornado could represent several major disruptions. It is the winds of change and things happen outside of our control. 2020 has been a perfect illustration of chaos and significant upheaval. How many of us have felt that discomfort, had to pivot, and had to find new ways to operate outside our comfort zone. We need to learn to embrace change, challenges and uncertainty. They will be there regardless and we need to view them as opportunities.
“Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.” – Dorothy.
Communication
Clear communication is critical because if we explain our vision in a way that others can engage with we have no one on our path. Communication is critical but it also requires active listening. To persuade others, you need to hear them first.
Dorothy: How can you talk, if you haven’t got a brain?
The Scarecrow: I don’t know. But, some people without brains do an awful lot of talking, don’t they?
Heart Led
The Tin Man shows us how to have a heart and have compassion. Leaders need to have a heart and be emotionally engaged with their staff, customers and their organisation. If you can learn to express how you feel authentically, it shows you care. It will attract and motivate others who want to work for you and want to care too. No one wants to work for a cold heartless boss.
“I shall take the heart. For brains do not make one happy, and happiness is the best thing in the world”. – Tin Man
“You people with hearts, have something to guide you, and need never do wrong; but I have no heart, and so I must be very careful”. – Tin Man
We are in this together
Team Diversity
A lion, a tin man, a scarecrow and a dog? All had their strengths and weakness. It is valuing all team members for what they can offer at different times.
“It’s not where you go, its who you meet along the way” – Wizard of Oz
Power and Leadership
There is a difference between power and leadership. We have all come across people in power who do not have leadership skills. Where those skills lack they often resort to power to get others to do what they want. When you pull back the curtain on them they are scared and confused.
“I am Oz, the Great and Terrible,” said the little man, in a trembling voice, “but don’t strike me—please don’t!—and I’ll do anything you want me to.” – The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
Self Care
As leaders, we need to value ourselves in the journey and take time to look after our selves as well. Often we have the answers but get burned out and exhausted. Value yourself and your experience and you will find your own ruby slippers to guide you home.
“You’ve always had the power, my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself.” – Glinda the Good Witch
“There is no place like home”
You as a leader also need to do what makes you happy and feeds your soul. Sometimes that is right in front of you and don’t forget to value your family and your personal time and space.
“If I ever go looking for my heart’s desire again, I won’t look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn’t there, I never really lost it, to begin with! Is that right? – Dorothy.
There are so many life and leadership lessons in the Wizard of Oz. I found so many that I found it hard to narrow it to 10. The one lesson I have learned in 2020 is self-care. I need to remind myself, “There is no place like home” and the ruby red shoes will always have pride of place on my feet.
Working with my horses improves my own personal wellness. I have known for a while that horses have something very magical to offer. I often feel so much better after spending time with my horses. It is hard to articulate the magic. I can be tired, sick or just blah, and after spending time with my horses I have more energy and I am so much happier. Even my patient and adoring husband will send me down to ride if I am getting a little grumpy. When I was recently reading an article talking about the power and efficacy of equine assisted therapy. I realised there is a growing body of evidence and science behind it. It’s not just me! Horses have unique traits that mean that they are perfect choice for animal assisted therapies.
Wellness
Working on trust, learning to trust a horse might be the first step in healing trauma. It is powerful and restorative especially for those who trusting others is an issue.
Mindfulnessis probably the biggest shift because horses are very sensitive they will easily reflect feelings and people often experience is as a biofeedback loop. Making it easier to understand their own emotional state.
When in a non-competitive, non-judgemental environment learning new skills and new challenges horses will assist with improving self-esteem and Leadership.
Behavioural modification or self-regulation because in order to communicate with a horse you need to find your calm nonreactive state.
Experiencing challenges with horses empowers individuals and creates self-motivation and positive experiences.
Relationship Management where the experience of developing acceptance and communication with a horse where you need to actively listen to them. Once they feel seen and heard they will respond. The basis of healthy relationships. Learning how to influence others.
Learning to communicateacross language (and species) barriers especially with something as large as a horse, promotes intuition. Improves all your nonverbal communication and understanding of how much you can communicate with intent and body language.
Team work and social skills in a group dynamic leadership and team work are critical pieces.
Intention and personal assertivenessalongside our own boundaries.
I have seen firsthand anxietyreduction, and decrease in depressionand isolation, horses don’t judge and unconditional acceptance.
These are all incredible life skills and skills that are being well researched in the equine assisted learning fields. I have known that these animals were amazing and magical but I continue to learn.
Therapeutic Value
Their therapeutic value is so undervalued. Trauma therapists are starting to realise their value too. As talking therapy in trauma related counselling can get someone to experience their trauma. This can slow down healing process. Some are turning to animal assisted therapies to use nonverbal experiences to process and externalise. This then allows individuals to move through to healing. Horses have been used to help anxiety, depression, ADHD, conduct disorders, addiction, dementia, returning veterans, PTSD, and other mental health difficulties. Even used for physical therapies.
I obviously realise my horses are magical, but it is more than magic there is science. The real magic happens when you understand how to read a horse and what they are trying to communicate with you, your world shifts. You feel more connected and get a greater insight into yourself. Having managed people for over 20 years I really appreciate how important these life skills are. Horses can transfer these skills to people and we are now just starting to figure this out. All of these life skills are part of my emotional intelligence and leadership sessions (not just therapy) so it makes sense that we should learn to be a better person from a horse.
Leadership, mothers and dictators can you recognise them in your workplace?
Life with horses is about self improvement. I was attending a virtual horse expo listening to an incredible horseman recently Tristian Tucker who made a statement about how to create balanced horses. How to make horses that are mentally stable able to think through problems. He made the point that horses don’t want you to be a mother and they don’t want a dictator, they need a calm confident leader. I thought how powerful that statement was when thinking about leadership. When you look at your teams in the workplace can you identify the mother and the dictator?
Mothers
In order to create a horse who is mentally able to cope with strange things we can’t mother it. Making it comfortable and stress free. In horse terms it looks like the best of everything. You have seen the treat bringer, someone who always has a pocket full of the favourite treats so he/she comes to you. If something happens that it doesn’t like then we make sure that it never sees that stimulus again. He doesn’t like rugs so we don’t ever rug him again.
In the workplace mothering looks like the feeder. The person who bakes or brings lollies. Or the person who needs to make sure everyone is happy, they are a nurturer working out how not to have conflict. They would rather ignore the difficult bits, they are no difficult conversation at all just nurturing. We can all be friends and we will take away anything that makes you upset. They will be the person that always brings comfort.
Dictators
In horse terms it means managing everything. Your horse is not allowed to make a mistake and learn. They are often punished but not always rewarded. Every step is managed.
In the workplace dictatorship looks like micromanagement. You are not allowed to think your job is to do and to do in the way the dictator needs it done. Mistakes will not happen and if they do they will be punished. Chances are you will made an example of so no one makes the same mistake.
Fear
Both of these extremes are fear responses and coping mechanisms. Both end up creating a workplace full of anxiety. It doesn’t build innovation and confidence for growth.
I personally have operated in both styles, mothering making everyone my friend, and thought that management meant I needed a dictator style. I can say from experience that neither side is where you should stay. Use the tools when appropriate but to use leadership skills requires you to think differently.
Leadership
Creates confidence and develops people. Allowing people to learn be inquisitive and fail. Experience builds people so your role as a leader is to create opportunities for wins. How are you creating opportunities for your team to becoming a better and more balanced people?
Allowing someone to fail and learn is the hardest skill in the world to master.
Leadership, with calm confidence, how can you create the environment to create calm confident teams. You can learn how with leadership workshops.
