Working from home means we need to adapt. It can be great but it also has its challenges. We need new skill sets that we may not have needed before. The pandemic has meant we need to do and lead our teams differently. Learning how to use empathy is the essential skill required in remote work.
The big change is we need more emotional intelligence. The most important skill is improving our empathy.
Empathetic Small Talk
We need to develop our small talk… and make it count. Pay attention to the individual and let them know it’s all about them. Ask them a personal question, relate the question to something that matters to them. Include family, friends, and pets.
Be visible
Turn on your camera and show up as a real person it allows you to be in a vulnerable space for each other. Embrace it. We get it is awkward but this is the new world so we need to find ways to make it work. Make sure it is a presentable space, so please don’t have your dirty laundry in the background. Way too vulnerable.
Vulnerable leadership
It is ok not to know when the pandemic will end. You can say I don’t have all your answers. Also, I take the time to acknowledge how that feels for someone who wants to be reassured at that time. Everyone has their own challenges that are unique to them. Answers are not always required.
Create a different routine
Everyone finds comfort in their predictable routines so create them. Find new ways to create a rhythm whether that is a phone call to check in personally, or team meetings, or even small tasks.
Find a way to relate to your staff to show up and show you care in a way that matters to them. Empathy matters now, but remember the pandemic won’t last forever.
You may not know this but giving a compliment requires you to frame your words. Have you had someone who doesn’t know how to take a compliment or someone who doesn’t know how to receive a genuine compliment? This was a great article with really helpful advice on how to make a compliment land the way you intended. It requires some emotional intelligence and structure. Compliments given the right way may just change someone’s world. “you might not know this but…”
So consider Bill Murphy’s examples below;
“You might not know this, but people really appreciate how calm you can be in a crisis.”
“I’m not sure if you appreciated your impact, but your comments in the meeting last week reassured the whole team.”
“I hope you didn’t think you were alone; when you asked that question in class, you spoke for everyone.”
“You’re never going to believe this, but I took your advice and it worked out.”
“Would it surprise you to know how much the newer people on the team talk about you as a role model?”
Have you ever wondered what is the meaning of leadership? You don’t have to look it up in a
dictionary. The meaning is in the word itself. If we look closely leadership consist of three words.
Leader, lead, ship. A leader is a person who leads a ship. A ship can be a certain company, a house,
or a country. People argue that some people are born leaders, but it has been proven many times
that leadership is not a trait that we inherit, it is a skill that can be learned.
A handyman has tools to help him do his work, a doctor has medical instruments to help him
perform surgery. So, does a leader have certain tools or skills that can help him do a better job?
You will love the following analogy if you are a marvel fan. Every superhero in avengers has some
sort of tool to help him do their task. Thor has a hammer; Cap has a shield and hulk gets angry
(we all have this ability). So, you and I are not less than any superhero. The difference is that they
fight aliens trying to invade earth, we try to fight the daily challenges that life throws at us. So, in
order to fight these challenges, we need to have some sort of tools that can help us.
These skills or tools are listening, empathy, emotional intelligence, creativity, and service
mindedness. Now if you are in a leadership position you must have these skills or as it is called
soft skills. People generally overlook these things and don’t learn them because they think they
don’t matter. But let me tell you these are equally as important as creating those balance sheets
and marketing campaigns.
The smartest leaders are the ones that go around and ask for everyone’s advice; they don’t
underestimate anyone. This points towards the first soft skill listening. Yes, you are right, listening
is the first skill that you need to master if you desire to lead. All of us have the ability to solve our
problems if anyone just listens to us. Listening can help you get what you want, without you even
asking for it. Even if you don’t want to become a leader, having a habit of listening will take you
a long way.
Another soft skill that a leader needs to have in his arsenal is empathy. Empathy means being
able to understand the needs of others. It means you’re aware of their feelings and their thinking.
A leader cannot build a team without empathy. So, a leader needs to see things from another
person’s perspective. This will help a leader make the right decisions.
Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand, use, and manage your own emotions in
positive ways to relieve stress, communicate effectively, empathize with others, overcome
challenges, and defuse conflict. Emotional intelligence can help a leader in dealing with difficult
people and situations. If a leader gets discouraged or tensed in a difficult situation then his team
will also lose hope. So, a leader has to have control over his emotions in order to lead.
How Can I Help You Win?
Now we come to the last soft skill that a leader needs to possess it is called service
mindedness. The job of the leader is not to be in charge of the people, the real job of a leader is
to take care of those in their charge. The leader should not say to his team how can you help me
win, but instead the leader should say “How can I help you win?”
So, if this inspired you, the next time you are in a position to lead. Do it with full courage and confidence in yourself. Leadership is rewarding but it is twice as challenging as it looks. People
will not have faith in you unless you first have faith in yourself. Instead of telling your team how
it’s done, show them how it’s done.
My experience growing up was children were “to been seen and not heard.” We were taught to respect our elders. Authority was something to be revered and definitely not questioned. When you are bought up in a house where parenting technics consisted of phrases like “because I said so” and “do as I say not as I do”. I understood the wooden spoon was a real threat. You genuinely believe that anyone who has authority is something or someone to fear. Principals and teachers were still allowed to give you the cane. In growing up in this era physical punishment is a legitimate tool and in some cases the only tool. You believe that hierarchical structures are the real authority. Teachers all had Mr or Mrs no one had a first name and friends of the family were Aunts and Uncles. Positions of power demanded respect regardless of their behaviours. So when my title stated that I was a manager I wholeheartedly believed that I needed to be respected because I had a position title. I thought management was something that should be feared. I reflect now on how much times have changed.
Respect for leadership is now earned
We now expect leaders to be questioned about their decisions. Leaders are held to a higher moral standard because they are a leader. Workplaces are now being asked to do more for staff than simply provide a paycheque. It is an environment where employees are asking more about leadership than ever before.
So it’s no wonder that “75% of careers are derailed for reasons related to emotional competencies, including the inability to handle interpersonal problems; unsatisfactory team leadership during times of difficulty or conflict; or inability to adapt to change or elicit trust”. -Center for Creative
As the world continues to go through yet another crisis we need to support people in leadership to develop their emotional competencies. Poor leadership can do more than increase staff turnover or poor productivity. You can have a lasting impact on someone’s life. So as we learn more and know better we need to do better. Invest in your leaders and emerging leaders to understand how to be effective people managers. As leaders develop their own authentic people skills their respect for leadership changes as well. The more you develop your skills in emotional intelligence, it can change your workplace, your culture, but also other important relationships around you.
Emotional intelligence workshops with horses. Sounds like a crazy idea for leadership but it works. Now that emotional intelligence is an essential skill in leadership and the most sought after skill. It is something we all need to learn and master to become effective leaders.
What is emotional intelligence?
Emotional intelligence is simply put the ability to control your emotions and others in the present moment. It sounds simple but has a number of key factors. According to Daniel Goleman,
Self-awareness.
Self-regulation.
Motivation.
Empathy.
Social skills.
Why is it important?
Developing emotional intelligence is the one factor that will make you successful in almost every area of your life. At a professional level is the one factor that sets high performing leaders above others. At a personal level, it means your relationships around you will feel more connected. Allows for improved communication skills and increases your resilience. It turns out it is one of the most important life skills and increases your chances of success in every area of your life.
Can it be learnt?
Emotional intelligence is something you can learn. However, I believe it is something you need to experience it to understand it. Staying curious and responding appropriately to what is happening around you. Emotional intelligence is a skill that is challenging to learn from a book. Yes, you can get an understanding of the theory but until you practice it in real life you don’t know how to use it. It is a bit like trying to be a bodybuilder from a textbook. You can learn the theory but unless you lift the weights and practice you can’t develop those muscles.
Why does it matter to leadership?
Leaders without emotional intelligence can be very costly to any organisation.
All of us at some points in our career have worked for a manager we didn’t like and/or didn’t like us. We may have felt that they were unreasonable, not fair or at the extreme end they were a bully. These are all feelings of no connection or low emotional intelligence.
Leaders and managers with high emotional intelligence generally will have staff that want to come to work. They will have staff that will often feel heard and respected. A team that is motivated with less technical abilities will always outperform a highly skilled team going through the motions. So if this is the case why is emotional intelligence not taught?
We have all read the leadership textbooks talking through different models of leadership. As a leader, your leadership style should move change and respond to what is happening around you. If you only have one style you are still in the manager phase and each skill takes time to learn and develop.
There are many documented styles of leadership;
Autocratic – commander style
Bureaucratic – administrator style
Charismatic – the charmer
Democratic – the motivator
Laissez-Faire – the delegator
Servant –the steward
Transactional – the standardiser
Transformational – the inspirer
A leader who has developed their emotional intelligence will be able to transition through many different types of leadership style. They move and flex with the situation and may actually manage each person in their team with a different technique.
I accidentally found out through training horses that I was strengthening and developing my emotional intelligence in all aspects of my life. I found that incredible horse trainers who were rehabilitating troubled horses all had high levels of emotional intelligence. It was their empathy, self-regulation, and incredible awareness level. It almost felt like a heightened sense. This started my curiosity and openness to explore why it felt better. I felt like I was being genuine with relationships and with my leadership. It was a light bulb moment and realised I can also help others to understand and engage with it.
You don’t need to be a horse person to gain something from the workshops. It is made for people who have little to no experience with horses, and even those who have lots of experience will also gain some personal insights.
If sounds like something you might want to try then get in touch
In just one session developing the confidence to lead…
I was lucky enough to catch up with a group of leaders who did my “emotional intelligence workshop” with horses and asked for feedback. Their reflections where more powerful than I could have imagined. Most importantly they reflecting on developing their confidence to lead effectively. These are their own personal insights and what they learnt.
These were their reflections more than a month after they did just one session.
I realised that I am always jumping in and being first. This didn’t allow me any additional time to observation to learn. In trying to understand how to get it right and be the best at it that I didn’t try and be as present. My focus was on getting it right. I have been practising patience and not rushing everything.
It was understanding the vulnerability of a close connection and being present with myself. I learnt how to be more self-aware of being present in the room.
left feeling focused and happy, with purpose and lowered the anxiety and the feeling has lasted
This made me think about how to influence the other decision makers so they get what’s going on.
Thoroughly enjoyed the session. I had so much energy for days after the session it was so inspiring.
Powerful and relatable, giving you the know how to deal with other people and your team
My confidence improved as a leader, I have done lots of thinking about the session afterwards and still got more days later because it influences how you lead.
Love it so much there were practical tips on what to do. I could use straight away. Being present and how you are feeling in the moment. Made me understand how to relate your behaviours to moods.
Highly recommend it. It gave me confidence – about being present and shifting my emotions. I was able to apply the experience immediately and improved confidence
It’s a bio-feedback mechanism with a horse about your self-efficacy. My learning from the session was I understood how to be up with intensity but with clear direction and focus.
I started with a fear of failure and feeling competitive. My ego meant I didn’t want to be the person who couldn’t do it. It was a new and different experience, I don’t have anything to do with horses so was intimidated and scared. I felt vulnerable and way outside my comfort zone. The connection I got was sorefreshing and a great way to build a shared experience. It was a completely new context to make the unconscious thoughts into a competence.
It was feeling like a pressurised situation where you go to a feeling of threat and try to make it about me. But then learning how to make it not about me and about being in control. The experience connected a lot of dots and good personal values. Its things we should be working on every day and when you have mastered it in one situation doesn’t mean you have it secure.
It is an effective coaching and leadership tool. It improved my relationship with my daughter. I become more self-aware of my behaviour towards her. I have been making a conscious effect and our relationship has changed.
Insights and Changes in Emotional Intelligence
My insights where that everyone got something different out of the session and it all related back to improving their emotional intelligence. The really interesting part was they could translate and put into action immediately. It was about understanding that everyone has something different that they see and feel. But it all relates back to the 5 key elements; Self-awareness, Self-regulation, Motivation, Empathy, and Social skills.
