Getting another COVID test this morning and realising my birthday will not be the celebration I had intended brings with it more grief and confusion. I realise that coping with COVID lockdowns takes a toll on my mental health and finding ways to get some of my routine back is important to me.
We are constantly being told by our government and health officials to be scared of being in contact with people. Watch the updates. Be informed of hot spots. Know what you are allowed to do. (and this changes each day) This is not great for my anxiety and overall wellbeing. I have also noticed these news updates are not great for those around me either, somehow this lockdown seems even harder than the first. I have had so many conversations with friends and colleagues, so confused and frustrated with the ongoing nature of the lockdowns. The recurring theme of the conversations continues to come back to when will there be a priority on the general mental health and wellbeing of our population. With mental health issues on the rise so many of us now know people not doing so well.
As a positive outcome, I guess we are now talking about our own mental health more openly. Maybe sharing this might allow someone else to talk about how they are coping too.
Changing Plans
Outside of a COVID Pandemic I live an incredibly busy life and constantly juggling time commitments is something I am use to. However being able to make plans and undo them constantly it is hard not to feel defeated. The “why bother”.
I thought given we had no community transmissions for some time I was going to have a party. Stop taking myself seriously and have some fun. I was encouraged on by my ever faithful husband and simply, why not! I have been gearing up to have a big birthday bash that I have spent late nights and weeks in the planning. Invites have gone out and decorations ordered, internationals friends flying in and accommodation organised. Its all now cancelled. I feel gutted for all my friends and family who cancelled other important events in their lives to come and celebrate a milestone birthday with me.
Learning how to cope
My issue is, I try cope in all the wrong ways I get serious and try to control stuff I have absolutely no control over. I tend to get incredibly busy with work and not spending enough time with my horses. I instinctively fill my time so that I don’t have to listen to my self-talk. This strategy is so short term, in the end it makes me feel worse. What I have learned is that if I slow down and spend more time with my horses I am always stronger mentally. It seems that this is a lesson I keep having to learn.
Managing People
As I try to find ways to navigate our organisation through COVID Pandemic with rules that are constantly changing, lockdowns and back out again, our team is looking at me for leadership. I am trying to build routine to create certainty and comfort for my team, the task almost seems impossible. As a people leader you are meant to be able to cope better than most and that is probably true but my routines are constantly changing. So what can be done? Well in trying to find some helpful resources and tips for myself and my team I came across some of these.
Finding routines, staying connected, eating well, and getting exercise.
Try not to judge others as you cannot control their response.
Everyone is doing the best they can with what they have available to them. Everybody has a story and emotional triggers, as we go through the COVID pandemic we can only try and use our own coping mechanisms.
Fear and anxiety
Fear and anxiety are the most common reactions, as we move through the pandemic and our health authorities, media are all continuing to provide messages that play into our fear responses. It is important to understand that fear and anxiety are a normal going in and out of lockdowns. But it all requires emotional energy.
Manage to find some small wins. They will be there if you look for them. And write down your accomplishments.
Control what can be controlled – there are a lot of things you can’t control that cause you fear and anxiety – but there are some things you can manage or plan for. Having an action plan for managing things you might find difficult can help.
Pace yourself – recognising that you need to go at the right pace for you is important. Don’t let others bully or pressure you into doing things you don’t want to – but try not to let that be an excuse not to push yourself, especially when it comes to reconnecting with friends safely, outside your home, when rules allow and the time is also right for you.
Build up tolerance – try doing something that challenges you every day, or every few days. Don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t go well but keep at it. Keep a note of things you’ve achieved, enjoyed or surprised yourself doing.
Vary your routines – try and vary your routines so that you see different people and encounter different situations. If one supermarket makes you nervous, try another. If a walk at one time of the day is very busy, try mixing walks at busy times with walks at quieter times.
Talk to work – Many workplaces are allowing more flexible working even if people need to return. If you are finding it hard to get to work, or do particular shifts or activities because of anxiety or fear, speak to your manager or a colleague you trust if that feels right. If you have or have had longer term mental health problems, you may be entitled to reasonable adjustments.
Coping with uncertainty
Focus on the present – you can only do your best with what you have today. With regulations changing frequently, and lots of conflicting media discussions, try and keep a focus on the moment. Mindfulness meditation is one way of bringing your mind back to the present moment.
Bring things that are certain back into focus – whilst a lot of things are uncertain at the moment, there are also things to be hopeful about. Try to record and appreciate good things as they happen. Try and take opportunities to reset and relax.
Talk to people you trust – it’s important to talk about how you feel. Don’t dismiss your concerns or judge yourself too harshly. You may also be able to find your tribe online, but try and get outside perspectives too.
Changes I am making
I have realised I need to fit my own oxygen mask. I need to schedule more time to be with my horses. They provide the emotional regulation and exercise that I need to be at my best. I understand the importance that they have for my balance. It is my self care so I can help others.
Leadership is something that we are all called upon to provide at some point. One of the most common examples given is the parent-as-leader. If you are a parent, then you are required to provide guidance, teach, support, provide structure, and discipline for your children. We all know that there will be times when you must inspire your children to be the greatest versions of themselves. But there will also be times when you need to provide strict and stern instructions that could save their lives! I would argue that being a parent is the hardest leadership skill to learn in your whole life as it is a title you have 24hours a day seven days a week.
An influential leader will know how to listen and make the child feel heard, while at the same time giving them the space and the protection they need to grow.
We all think leadership is a topic that will typically interest businesses, managers, and CEOs. That is certainly very true that these are people who should try to understand what makes a good leader, but I think everyone should.
When your leadership skill could end up being a superpower. Imagine there is a crisis. Imagine that you’re in a public space when suddenly the place collapses. You are trapped beneath the rubble and everyone is panicking. This panic means people are trampling one another. You all need to work together in order to get help. This can only happen if a leader emerges in this crisis. In this situation your leadership skills are a superpower and you can be the one that everyone needs to step up and step forward in that moment. In this situation, the person who rises to become the leader will be the person who is the most informed, and the person who is the most confident. Imagine this situation if no one takes this position it is absolute chaos. Everyone is a capable of being this leader if the situation arises but you need to know how to step up in confidence.
Finally, leadership is something that can make your social life and even your dating life that much more enjoyable. In every relationship and certainly every group dynamic, there is a power structure. Being the leader means being the one who gets to call the shots, who decides the activity, and who takes responsibility. If you can be that person, then you’ll find it does wonders for every aspect of your life and career.
Being a great leader is not about yelling or controlling it is about nurturing, protecting, inspiring, guiding, and sacrificing. One of the most important skills for any influential leader to cultivate, is communication regardless of the role you playing. Your ability to write and speak will greatly impact on the way that people treat you, and the way that they respond to your instructions.
I am so incredibly grateful that I found out how my ponies can change lives, its in these life changing moments that I see how easy it can be. I have had the opportunity to work with senior leaders, women and vulnerable young people. Regardless of their story, simply, how life changing this can be. I have had such powerful conversations that I just don’t know where or how else you can do that. After meeting someone for 5 mins you can then have life changing conversations. One such moment was talking with a young man with autism and behavioral issues, he decided rather than being violent when you are frustrated try talking calmly. My horse showed him the way. It was an aha moment for him. Which then led to another conversation about how to have respect for his family and belongings.
An incredibly shy young woman about how to engage with people and make new friends. A senior leader learning how to breath and stay calm under highly stressful situations. A young woman learning how to hold herself to be confident and assertive without dominance in difficult situations.
I realise that these are just small moments in a life time but they are profound. It just melts my heart.
It doesn’t matter your story or where you are this works.
As a leader you are in a position of power over others and…“with great power comes great responsibility”. It’s known as the Peter Parker Principal. Although the origins of this phrase pre-date Spiderman.
Origins…
The bible verse of Luke 12:48: “From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.”
Many great leaders throughout history have used similar phrases.
In 1817, British Member of Parliament William Lamb is recorded saying, “the possession of great power necessarily implies great responsibility.”
In 1899, U.S. President William McKinley used the following in his State of the Union address: “Presented to this Congress are great opportunities. With them come great responsibilities.”
In 1906, Winston Churchill, as Under-Secretary of the Colonial Office, said: “Where there is great power there is great responsibility,”
Though not the exact phrase, U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt wrote in a 1908 letter that “responsibility should go with power.”[16]
As a leader, it is important to understand you have been given a position of power. And with that power, you can choose to use it to build people up or use it to destroy them.
Destructive Power
Anyone who has been a victim of workplace bullying or worked in a toxic workplace will know the damage that can be done. When power is used negligently. It can ruin your confidence, cause anxiety, or even worse lead to severe mental health problems. When you are at work for most of your waking moments this constant stress can lead to physical manifestations and a breakdown in other significant relationships in your life.
There is a growing body of evidence showing that there is a significant correlation between bullying and low emotional intelligence. I believe that most leaders who lead through fear do this because they don’t know another way.
Having been the victim of bullying in my past. I personally understand the emotional and physical impact. It is this experience that continues to drive me to find another way to lead. I am a passionate believer that those in a position of leadership have a responsibility to manage and care for their team in a way that supports them. As a leader you have an obligation to show up, be present and do what you can. So that your team can grow into great leaders themselves.
Understanding the negative aspects of power can be hard to grasp at first. When I first starting managing people I was terrible. I used power rather than influence to get stuff done. I didn’t understand the consequences.
Moving from Good to Great
You always have a choice and sometimes you just need to learn how to influence. Learn to lead rather than manage. Improving your emotional intelligence is the first step.
By increasing emotional intelligence you can transform a workplace. It improves wellbeing and motivation. Research is clear that emotional intelligence creates the difference between good leadership and great leadership. Can you master the Peter Parker Principal?
Embarrassing I reflect back on when I starting managing staff I was terrible, I was a shit boss. I had no idea what I was doing.
I know I just wanted people to do what I told them just because I said so. There was no buying into the vision or understanding their motivations. Even making sure you leave your stuff at the door.
We have all had bosses like it. I made sure there was enough fear so that staff wouldn’t question my authority.
I thought I had to be more “authoritative” than the person next to me. If I was in control so people just needed to do as I said. There was no “win-win” it was my way or the highway. I look back now and shudder. I honestly didn’t know there was any other way. All the managers I had worked for up to that point were very results-driven. If you didn’t reach your numbers, you were marched into the office to justify your job. Fear was how you got people to do their job. I had no role models to learn how to lead or how to mentor someone. However, here I am now more than 20 years later, I have learned how to manage in a way that is more authentic to me and it works!
You don’t have to be a shit boss developing emotional intelligence matters.
What is emotional intelligence?
Emotional intelligence is simply put the ability to control your emotions and others in the present moment. It sounds simple but has a number of key factors. According to Daniel Goleman,
Self-awareness.
Self-regulation.
Motivation.
Empathy.
Social skills.
Why is it important?
Developing emotional intelligence is the one factor that will make you successful in almost every area of your life. At a professional level is the one factor that sets high-performing leaders above others. On a personal level, it means your relationships around you will feel more connected. Allows for improved communication skills and increases your resilience. It turns out it is one of the most important life skills and increases your chances of success in every area of your life.
I have learned how to coach teams into high performance staff that want to come to work. Wow, they even laugh. They are self-motivated and managed with compassion and outcomes. It is possible to enjoy your job.
Emotions start wars and create peace; spark love and force a divorce. While unavoidable, emotions are also indispensable sources of orientation and propel us to take action. But unbridled emotion can make us and those around us to act irrationally.
Emotional intelligence is a relatively new, but started to become mainstream with Daniel Goleman’s 1995 book, Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ.
Emotional intelligence is simply put the ability to control your emotions and others in the present moment. It sounds simple but has a number of key factors. According to Daniel Goleman,
Self-awareness.
Self-regulation.
Motivation.
Empathy.
Social skills.
The business case for emotional intelligence
According to Google’s famous Project Aristotle initiative, a high-performing team needs three things: 1) a strong awareness of the importance of social connections or “social sensitivity,” 2) an environment where each person speaks equally, and 3) psychological safety where everyone feels safe to show and employ themselves without fear of negative consequences. To harness these three elements of a successful team, it takes an emotionally intelligent leader.
People feel cared for when these three items are present in a team or organization. People that feel cared for are more loyal, engaged, and productive.
10 times more likely to recommend their company as a great place to work.
9 times more likely to stay at their company for three or more years.
7 times more likely to feel included at work.
4 times less likely to suffer from stress and burnout.
2 times as likely to be engaged at work.
1. Deep human needs
The three core human needs of work (and life) are to survive, belong and become. Much like Maslov’s Hierarchy of Needs, once humans fulfill the need of food, water and shelter they will then seek to be accepted for who they are, and then finally to learn and grow to become their best selves.
The workplace is filling parts of our deep human needs.
2. Technology will enhance humanity
The Industrial Revolution required strong workers. The Information Age required knowledgeable workers. The future age of work will require emotionally intelligent workers.
As the world fills with more sophisticated technology such as artificial intelligence and 5G, human skills like compassion and empathy will define the competitive edge of workers and entire organizations.
In addition, as the world becomes more high-tech, there will be a desire and opportunity for more high-touch. As technology advances, it will take on a lot of the work that humans aren’t good at, don’t like, or too dangerous. This will leave us with more time and capacity to show up emotionally for each other.
3. Work and life blending
Not only are emotions finding their way into work, but workers want it more. A pervasive myth exists that emotions don’t belong at work. As the boundaries blur we want to be able to bring our whole selves into the workplace and this is inevitably messy.
4. Evolving employer-employee relationship
In the past, the employer-employee relationship was very transactional. But in today’s always-on work culture, the boundaries of the employee-employer relationship are expanding.
As employees seek more from their employers, moving from employing to empowering will serve employers well.
It’s not surprising then that more than any other generation, Gen Z wants their managers to be empathetic, according to The Center for Generational Kinetics’ 2020 study, Solving the Remote Work Challenge Across Generations.
If the youth is the future, and Gen Z are lonely and psychologically stressed then the future of work must be emotional intelligence.
