Embarrassing I reflect back on when I starting managing staff I was terrible, I was a shit boss. I had no idea what I was doing.
I know I just wanted people to do what I told them just because I said so. There was no buying into the vision or understanding their motivations. Even making sure you leave your stuff at the door.
We have all had bosses like it. I made sure there was enough fear so that staff wouldn’t question my authority.
I thought I had to be more “authoritative” than the person next to me. If I was in control so people just needed to do as I said. There was no “win-win” it was my way or the highway. I look back now and shudder. I honestly didn’t know there was any other way. All the managers I had worked for up to that point were very results-driven. If you didn’t reach your numbers, you were marched into the office to justify your job. Fear was how you got people to do their job. I had no role models to learn how to lead or how to mentor someone. However, here I am now more than 20 years later, I have learned how to manage in a way that is more authentic to me and it works!
You don’t have to be a shit boss developing emotional intelligence matters.
What is emotional intelligence?
Emotional intelligence is simply put the ability to control your emotions and others in the present moment. It sounds simple but has a number of key factors. According to Daniel Goleman,
Self-awareness.
Self-regulation.
Motivation.
Empathy.
Social skills.
Why is it important?
Developing emotional intelligence is the one factor that will make you successful in almost every area of your life. At a professional level is the one factor that sets high-performing leaders above others. On a personal level, it means your relationships around you will feel more connected. Allows for improved communication skills and increases your resilience. It turns out it is one of the most important life skills and increases your chances of success in every area of your life.
I have learned how to coach teams into high performance staff that want to come to work. Wow, they even laugh. They are self-motivated and managed with compassion and outcomes. It is possible to enjoy your job.
Emotions start wars and create peace; spark love and force a divorce. While unavoidable, emotions are also indispensable sources of orientation and propel us to take action. But unbridled emotion can make us and those around us to act irrationally.
Emotional intelligence is a relatively new, but started to become mainstream with Daniel Goleman’s 1995 book, Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ.
Emotional intelligence is simply put the ability to control your emotions and others in the present moment. It sounds simple but has a number of key factors. According to Daniel Goleman,
Self-awareness.
Self-regulation.
Motivation.
Empathy.
Social skills.
The business case for emotional intelligence
According to Google’s famous Project Aristotle initiative, a high-performing team needs three things: 1) a strong awareness of the importance of social connections or “social sensitivity,” 2) an environment where each person speaks equally, and 3) psychological safety where everyone feels safe to show and employ themselves without fear of negative consequences. To harness these three elements of a successful team, it takes an emotionally intelligent leader.
People feel cared for when these three items are present in a team or organization. People that feel cared for are more loyal, engaged, and productive.
10 times more likely to recommend their company as a great place to work.
9 times more likely to stay at their company for three or more years.
7 times more likely to feel included at work.
4 times less likely to suffer from stress and burnout.
2 times as likely to be engaged at work.
1. Deep human needs
The three core human needs of work (and life) are to survive, belong and become. Much like Maslov’s Hierarchy of Needs, once humans fulfill the need of food, water and shelter they will then seek to be accepted for who they are, and then finally to learn and grow to become their best selves.
The workplace is filling parts of our deep human needs.
2. Technology will enhance humanity
The Industrial Revolution required strong workers. The Information Age required knowledgeable workers. The future age of work will require emotionally intelligent workers.
As the world fills with more sophisticated technology such as artificial intelligence and 5G, human skills like compassion and empathy will define the competitive edge of workers and entire organizations.
In addition, as the world becomes more high-tech, there will be a desire and opportunity for more high-touch. As technology advances, it will take on a lot of the work that humans aren’t good at, don’t like, or too dangerous. This will leave us with more time and capacity to show up emotionally for each other.
3. Work and life blending
Not only are emotions finding their way into work, but workers want it more. A pervasive myth exists that emotions don’t belong at work. As the boundaries blur we want to be able to bring our whole selves into the workplace and this is inevitably messy.
4. Evolving employer-employee relationship
In the past, the employer-employee relationship was very transactional. But in today’s always-on work culture, the boundaries of the employee-employer relationship are expanding.
As employees seek more from their employers, moving from employing to empowering will serve employers well.
It’s not surprising then that more than any other generation, Gen Z wants their managers to be empathetic, according to The Center for Generational Kinetics’ 2020 study, Solving the Remote Work Challenge Across Generations.
If the youth is the future, and Gen Z are lonely and psychologically stressed then the future of work must be emotional intelligence.
Emotional Intelligence in the workplace separates high performers from the average employees. This is something gaining popularity as leaders become aware of the role emotional intelligence plays in the workplace.
Self-awareness; is an understanding of how you are feeling at any moment in time. It is also understanding how your behaviour impacts others.
Motivation – An effective self-motivation requires you to have a positive attitude towards goals across the organisation.
Self-regulation – Processing our own emotions effectively means we have the ability to read the situation effectively. Our response is only possible when we can self-regulate. We need to work to commit ourselves to the goals of the organization with integrity.
Social skills – are critical in a workplace the ability to build teams, forge change, and manage the conflict are important.
Empathy – Empathy is the ability to place oneself in the shoes of another. Managers need insight into how their decisions and behavior will impact their subordinates, peers, and superiors.
Emotional intelligence is a set of skills and behaviors that can be learned and developed.
According to Harvard there are some telltale signs of people with low Emotional Intelligence and those with high Emotional Intelligence.
People with low Emotional Intelligence:
Often feels misunderstood
Get upset easily
Become overwhelmed by emotions
Have problems being assertive
People with high Emotional Intelligence:
Understand the links between their emotions and how they behave
Remain calm and composed during stressful situations
Are able to influence others toward a common goal
Handle difficult people with tact and diplomacy
When staff lacks emotional intelligence they can be extraordinarily damaging to the culture.
The good news is that we can improve our emotional intelligence it is a skill that we can learn. We can improve on skills that improve knowledge of how others and we feel. We can also learn to harness our emotions in a way that meets the needs of our organisation.
At the individual level, exercises such as meditation, psychotherapy, coaching, and eliciting feedback from peers can provide meaningful insight into our own emotional landscape.
Within organisations, team-building exercises, corporate retreats, staff support groups, and training can pay handsome dividends for both collective and individual employee emotional health. In addition, you need to recognise and call out the behaviour.
Leading Together runs emotional intelligence workshops. Engage your leadership potential to improve your self-awareness, self-management, empathy, social awareness, and motivation. Horses are very aware of how you are feeling in the moment and can help you find a powerful way to experience emotional intelligence. The workshops are conducted in a relaxed environment with a horse trainer and leadership coach. They run for a couple of hours depending on the people attending and you will come away with a deeper understanding of yourself.
When creating connections with horses and people beautiful things happen.
Building emotional intelligence in yourself is one thing, but building a culture of emotional intelligence in the workplace can be a challenge. Our leaders must learn it first and model that behaviour. Changing behaviours doesn’t have to be complex. Leading Together uses horses to shortcut the learnings in team workshops. By scheduling team workshop sessions over 5 weeks you can radically change your workplace culture.
People who make their living researching what frightens people the most have made a pretty amazing discovery. Consistently when people list the top five things they are afraid of in life, they have are some pretty intimidating terrors. But you would think that death would rank number one on that list. But death doesn’t take number one, it has to settle for number two. Amazingly, the number one thing that terrifies most people is not death, it is public speaking. A popular comedian once said that this means that people would rather be the guy in the casket at a funeral than the guy giving the eulogy.
If you have ever been in a meeting listening to a speaker, you can usually tell if they are terrified. They will get up there and you will see that “deer in the headlights” look. You know that look. It is one of extreme fear, panic, and terror. So profound that the person is frozen in place unable to speak or move. And if you have ever been that guy or gal in front of a group giving the “deer in the headlights” look, you know the feeling of terror. That fear that happens in front of a group of people can be pretty awful.
Public Speaking Is Now Part of Your Job
So if you know that public speaking is going to be part of your job or something you have to regularly, you have to find a way to neutralize that fear. And be able to relax in front of a crowd when you speak. How often have you sat and listened to a speaker who was relaxed, funny, bright, and even able to field questions with no difficulty at all? It’s easy to admire that kind of public speaker and think that he or she has some magical powers that you will never get. But they don’t have magic. That speaker has just learned some techniques for neutralizing those fears. So he or she can appear relaxed and as though he or she is having fun up there. It’s not an inborn talent. It’s a skill that can be learned.
Of course, a lot of the ability to look out at a sea of faces who want to hear what you want to say and not feel sick comes from experience. But experience teaches you things that you can at least understand before you become an old pro at public speaking.
Fear of Public Speaking
One of those things is that the crowd out there doesn’t know what to expect. If you broke down why you feel terrified in front of people, it’s that you think that they think they know what they want and that you are being judged.
But to understand what people really expect when they are looking at you at the podium on stage, just remember the last time you heard someone speak. You had no predefined idea what was about to be said. And you probably had no outline or any frame of reference for what that speaker was going to say. That means that even if you don’t deliver your speech perfectly, they will never know that! As long as you don’t let on that you are nervous or not sure about your material, they won’t know if you got it wrong. If you forget an entire segment of your speech, as long as what you do say flows nicely and they never know you forgot it. The people listening will think your speech was just fine and will probably applaud.
Speak To The Individuals
Also, remember that you are not really speaking to a group. The group has no ears. You are speaking to several individuals. When you are listening to a speaker, you are one person listening to one person. That is how each person in that audience is receiving you, as individuals. So if you speak to them as though they are one person and not a crowd, your presentation will be warm and persona. It will be successful. And the crowd will like you to which helps a lot.
Just remember that their expectations of you are fairly low and for the most part. People coming to hear you speak want you to succeed. So smile at them, use a bit of humor and use that little insider tip to relax up there. And when you can relax, you can actually have fun at public speaking rather than wishing you were the guy in the casket instead.
If you follow these 4 easy steps to a compelling presentation you will be able to go from terror to triumph in no time.
Create a Problem and Then Solve It
How well your presentation goes the next time you step up to a podium depends on several factors. But one factor you can control completely is your script. The way you organize your content and how you present the material to that crowd can either totally captivate them and drive them step by step to conclusion or it can bore them to sleep. Its all in how you construct your presentation and how you present what you want them to know throughout the talk.
The difference between a great talk and a boring one is simple. A great talk is compelling. A great talk gets to the heart of a common experience. It addresses something we all go through and deals with a need we all experience. In short, a great talk solves a problem. So to create a presentation that reaches out and grabs your audience and holds them for the entire time of your presentation, you have to create a problem for them. And then you have to solve it.
Add Drama
The point when you create the problem is in your opening comments. Now don’t shy away from being a bit melodramatic in your opening. Remember the goal of the opening is to grab the audience’s group attention and rivet it on your talk. So present the problem statement in a personal way, how it is meaningful on a personal level to the audience and to you. A about 20% of the time to the creation of the problem statement. By the time you have created that big monster in the room, they will be ready for you to guide them toward the solution.
With the audience “in the palm of your hand”, you can move directly into the description of the perfect solution. The solution phase of your talk can be broken into two parts. First describe what the perfect solution would look like. You would not even directly bring up your solution just yet. Base your description of the perfect solution on the problem statement so you have an aspect of the solution that fits every possible problem created at the first part of your talk.
Now Give the Solution
The next phase is the next to the last and comes about 50% into your time. Now you have the audience in a perfect place to hear your solution. Use about 30-40% of your total time on the proposed solution, fitting it perfectly to your discussion of the problem and the outline of what a perfect solution looks like. By this time the audience is eager to know the solution. All you are doing now is closing the deal.
If we followed a standard “term paper” approach to a program, the final phase would be to sum up and go over what you just talked about. But we are not going to follow that pattern because this is the time for the “pay off”. In your closing statements, you finally disclose the action to be taken. By giving your audience what they can do to take the first step on putting your solution into motion, you are cashing in on all that energy you created in the first 80% of your speech.
Close the Deal
Now close the deal by giving them concrete and “right now” things they can do to recognize the problem and start the wheels turning on making the solution a reality. If its possible make the first step of implementing that solution happen right there in the room with you. That might be signing up for a newsletter, giving you an email address or going to another room for further counseling and discussion. You know what it is. But by using that energy, you convert passive listeners to active participants. And you did that with a very well designed and a well executive presentation plan.
We have a great book that can provide many more tips to deliver that perfect presentation. You can learn how to close your deal with more easy steps to a compelling presentation inside, Public Speaking from Terror to Triumph.
To say that there is no ego in a person who does public speaking regularly or for a living would be clearly a false statement. But for those of us who only speak from time to time, when you see a speaker who can walk out in a room of 30 people or a auditorium of 3000 and literally “own the room”, it really is an amazing transformation. To imagine how you could ever be that much larger than life is mind boggling.
But in a lot of ways, when you step out to talk to a group of people, you do become larger than life. That is because you are doing the impossible. You are having a conversation with dozens of people all at once. Now, whether you feel like you are having that conversation or not isn’t important. If your talk is not interactive, you may not know the dialog is happening. But in the minds of every single individual in that hall, they are interacting with you. What you are saying is getting down inside of them and they are reacting to it. But even more than what you are saying, how you are saying it is having an even bigger impact.
Create a Persona
So are there things you can do to “become” larger than life? Well there are some ways of behaving in front of a crowd that differ from daily life. We do have to accept that you will develop a “stage persona” that is different from your daily personality when you speak to a group. Does that make you a phony? No. Both of those personalities are you. It is just a different you when you relate to a group than to people one on one and it seems strange because that form of you only comes out on stage. But it isn’t a Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde thing. Just as you speak to a child differently than you speak to an adult, you will develop a way to talking to a group that differs from speaking to an individual.
Own The Room
Part of becoming larger than life is learning to what they call “own the room”. This sound egotistic and strange but it really does work when you are about to speak. Owning the room simply means that when you step out in front of that crowd, they are no longer some random group of people, they are YOUR people. They are there to listen to you and what you say is of value to them. If you had any ego problems before you stepped out in front of that audience, check that ego problem at the door.
You must assume that you are adored when you speak to a group of people. This doesn’t mean you strut about like God’s gift to the world. But it does mean that you recognize that your value to this group is as a speaker and that your services are wanted and needed here. In fact, the only way you will be an effective public speaker is if you own the room. Treat that room like it was your home and these people came here just because being with you is just that great. If you step out there with that attitude, the audience will buy into your attitude and they will give you the room and be glad you took it over.
Recognise the craft
It can be a bit strange if you watch yourself become larger than life. But you can be humble about it and just recognize it is part of the craft of becoming a great public speaker. And if being good at this art you are gifted to give to the world means owning rooms and becoming bigger for an hour or so, well then why deny the world that experience? Enjoy it and let others enjoy it too.
